As I look back at this life …

I cry, laugh, and ponder, not the what ifs’ or the why’s, but the how’s.

How did I make it this far?
What was I expecting?
Where did I want to go in life and by what sequence?

I look at my life filled with experiences. The good, bad, and the down right ugly.

I look back at not the regrets, but instead, how I would have done things differently, or not.

The very things that have always made me question myself, are the very things which have made me and are making me.

I look back at the most precious things I have, I have lost, I never had, or simply gave away.

I no longer question where they went, nor why. I merely, in some way, very very deeply, I miss them.

Instead, I think about happiness. What makes me smile. I think about how and what I have learned, gained and shared.

The people I’ve met in so many ways and for so many reasons. The simple, and complex, the things we’ve shared and I remember so fondly. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

When my thoughts can no longer see the happiness, I reflect upon the rest.

Almost like the actor – the smile and the sadness.

I reflect upon that which I have learned to forgive, have compassion, empathy, respect, understanding, but most importantly the ability to have unconditional love, both to give and receive.

I remember growing up, there was no anger – simply family. There was chaos, frustration, confusion, desperation, love, anger, and a need to understand. However unconventional, it was there with so much more. I wanted answers! I wanted definition! I wanted to scream my happiness! I wanted to scream my pain! I wanted to scream my chaos at the top of my lungs! I wanted to scream, “I love you”!!!

I wanted to be heard, SEEN, and understood!!!

At one point, I thought I had lost my way – because no one was listening. You know…because no one saw me, let alone heard my voice so deep from within my soul…so I thought and believed. In hindsight, I now know they heard me, and they saw me. In hindsight, I was all they saw and heard, and loved unconditionally.

Now, as I look back…

I realize I am here, I am a survivor, I am whole, I am happy…

Oh yeah, I have had an amazing life filled with amazing people and incredible experiences. I can’t, and I probably wouldn’t change most of the past, but I am making an incredible future.

People say we are doomed to the sins of our fathers. I now know I am only doomed to what I am responsible for and my actions. Which may be vast in responsibility. For I am not a generation of, “ME, MYSELF, AND I”. I am a generation of, “US, WE, AND OURS”.

It is because of that I continue to grow in this great game called Life.