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The Conversation:

Close Friend:

Today was ….. stressful. Normally I would try to find a way to bright side things a bit. No not in attempt to make it seem my life is perfect or anything, but it is my nature to try and put a positive spin on things. Sometimes there is no way.

I am going to ask something, and really not seeking true replies here or on this post. But something that everyone should somehow address at some level.

What are your final wishes. You get to a point that final decisions are needed what are they. Do you want feeding tubes, and machines keeping you alive. Or do you just want to be allowed to peacefully go.

And who knows these wishes. If you are married have you shared your wises with your spouse. IF you are not married have you shared it with your siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles, or parents even.

The cause of my stress is still there. But it is a bit lesser after a bit of sharing of what is happening. And yet still keeping a lot of it private as is necessary

I am sorry if I am sounding a bit mysterious. That is not what I am trying to be. I am simply in heavy thoughts mode.

My Answer:

Give me a call tomorrow. Let’s talk. 1.xxx.xxx.xxxx. I don’t get up til about 10 these days. Our 2 y.o. re-broke my ankle by accidentally landing his 100+lb paws on the ankle I broke last year, in February.

As for my last wishes, it depends. Ideally, you want to go quickly, and or, peacefully. It is absolutely gruesome, and heart wrenching, to know someone is passing, and keep them alive because of machines. Now if removing the machines means painful passing, keep me on machines. If possibility for cure, or regained health, keep me on machines. If will pass in sleep or body shut down non painfully, no machines.

I am not one to think about death. I feel I have way too much more life to live naturally. Too much to do. Things to achieve, accomplish, experience, things to do, places to go, people to see, laughter to be had, adventures to do, foods to eat, world to explore. I plan on being late to my end. God willing.

On that note, I love you.

That was my response.

_________________________________

My Thoughts

It made me think. My birthday is tomorrow, I’ll be 51. Yet other than a broken ankle that’s healing, and 2 chipped back teeth, I feel great, and full of hope, enthusiasm, promise and life.

Somehow I have a feeling I’m supposed to be around a while. My Great Grandmother lived to be 106, on my mom’s side, both my parents are alive. One in his 80s, one in her late 60s, her older sister is alive. My dad’s mom lived til her late 80s and my mom’s til her very late 70s. So things, God willing, are looking like a long game. Somehow, something inside me feels like I’m just getting started. Like I’m in the middle of the second quarter, in a four quarters life, and who knows how many overtimes game. But feel like there is at least one overtime.

I can, may, and do pray, this is true. I feel I have so much to learn. So much to share. So much to give.

As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to give. Even as a very little girl, I remember, before even knowing what the word meant or the words themselves, I wanted to be a Philanthropist and Altruistic in life, I could think of nothing more whole and loving. For the most part I have done that over my time. I feel almost like life, and living, is just beginning again for me. Trust me when I say, that’s a lot. For I truly have had, and have an amazing life, lived and live in amazing times, and am grateful for all my blessings and thankful for my hard lessons. For life cannot be all all perfect and bright, without any difficulties, hardships, sorrows, or some darkness. How can you know and appreciate, the beauty of life, in its entirety, or even any of it, without imperfections, lessons learned, experiences had.

Not all, or many, of those experiences, have to be first hand experiences. Some will, hopefully, be second hand, or more. Yet, hopefully, you learn from those experiences too. Example, I do not have to lose a limb in order to have empathy for one who has. I do not have to have lost a child, to not grieve for one who has, for my heart aches for them and their loss. I also learn a lesson in both instances, to appreciate what I have, for I may not have it. Appreciate some things I know longer have, or I may never have had, or have it. Cancer is a perfect example, something you pray and hope to never have or had.

The honest emotion here is empathy. Not sympathy. For one should not pity a person, instead, have true empathy for a person. By having empathy for a person, you grow, live, understand (or at least be open to understanding when appropriate), appreciate, forgive (when appropriate, not forget), and learn. It is to be not to put yourself above or below someone else’s experience, for you know not how great the joy or bad sorrow or pain, for you are not them. You can only imagine or relate to how great the pain or joy would be if it were you. Thus, empathy.

In today’s times, it is so easy to be endlessly bitter, uninvolved, disengaged, hostile at seemly the world, misplaced and lost. I chose to love life and living. Be angry at a situation, or actions, that I do not agree with, then let go of that negativity. I choose to not carry hatred in my soul.

I choose to acknowledge the emotions of pain, sorrow, grief, anger, I may have. These are real emotions. However, I also choose to grow and learn through it, learn the lesson, and let it go. Let the the negative, hurtful emotion go and keep the lesson learned. There are times that happens right away, then there are things that take a longer, or even a lot longer. A few, almost seem almost impossible to release, and go away.

Sometimes, I have to learn the same lessons multiple times to get the true understanding, that is life. But, I choose not to let it consume me, or control me, and definitely, not define me. I choose the me of who I am to the core.

The saying my grandmother used to always remind me of was, “beauty is only skin deep, but, ugly is to the bone, the soul”. I have always believed that. Yeah, I have a temper, I choose to control it. I choose to not rage. I choose not to be consumed, or hold on to, by my anger and or resent, thus having resentment and bitterness. I choose not to harbor darkness . I choose not to be vindictive.

By no means am I perfect. I’ve lost my temper under 10 times in my life. Probaby closer to 5.

I have learned, the hard way, by holding on to negative emotions, you are only hurting yourself. I’ve had 7 ulcers in my lifetime, all linked to my emotions. Stress and negativity will do it. The day I stopped being consumed by anger, or even holding on to anger, was the day when I stopped forming ulcers. My grandmother also always told me, stress, anger and negativity will and can kill you. You control is it may be most likely to kill you.

I actively work on my stress, and emotions. I work on controlling and managing my temper, and letting go of negativity, as soon, and as quickly as possible. Not only that, I don’t like me when I have negativity in me. I feel an emptiness to my core when I do. A place where growth and happiness should be, instead it feel like fire filled emptiness. I work every minute not having that any longer than possible, if at all.

By doing this, it has improved my health physically, mentally, spiritually, and overall. It has improved my wellness, and quality of life as a whole. I think that is another reason why I feel the way I do.

My question to you is how do you feel or relate regarding this blog post?

Feel free to share and comment in this blog.

Sincerely,

Leila

#leilaworldblog